Two Years Ago

Two years ago today, I made the dreaded ER hospital visit and stay.  Why is it that when an event like that happens we do not forget the date?  Like 9-11 is set in my mind along with the rest of the USA.  9-11 was set in my mind before the attacks.  On 9-11-97 my dad and nephew Ross died.  I do have a little help in remembering 1-24, since it is the day after my daughter Julie’s birthday.

  Yes, the stroke did change my life plans.  I had to retire from a job that I loved and had planned on working for many years to come. I had to relearn a lot of things.  Many times I felt so stupid.  Like when a gal on the phone asked what my address was?  I could not remember, but I did some problem solving by looking at a piece of mail with my address on it.  Another time an insurance person asked for the last four numbers of my SS.  So I continued to problem solve, and asked Pat.  Just today I asked him how to spell two words, that I could not remember how to spell (independent and Offutt). Most of the time I use my I pad to spell words, when Pat is not around.  I also had to relearn how to sign my name.  I relearned it to a point that my signature card at the bank did not match. So I had to come in to redo it and show them a picture ID. 

 Don’t get me wrong as time passes by, I see God’s plan for my life.  He wanted me to retire and spend more time with Pat and the family.  My whole life was school and school events. That was one of the things that helped bring on the brain bleed.  It is called stress.  I thought I was dealing with the stress of job, but that day two years ago of dealing with student problems, staff problems, teaching classes, planning, IEP/transition meeting after school, and then a parent meeting at 7:00 PM for all SPED students planning to go to college and their parents.  I was busy that day making sure my speakers were still coming, what equipment they needed, and passwords to get into computers at Millard South. I was also dreading having to talk in front of a large group. Just thinking about that day brings up my stress level.  I did not make it to the 7:00 meeting, because the stroke happened after I had left the meeting at North High School.  My vision was not working right, the street signs had holes in them, and then the head pain came.  I only remember part of the drive home, and missed my two entrances into my neighbor.  I somehow made it home. I could not see the numbers on the phone, so I pressed the first number which was my brother-in-laws number.  He came over to take me to the ER.  No, I did not want to call 911.  I even thought about sleeping it off.  I would have never woken up.  It was a brain bleed/stroke that finally stopped bleeding after everyone began praying.  Thank you for your prayers that evening two years ago. 

Fast forward to the present, I think I am doing fine.  I still have a lot to relearn but I now know my address, SS number, and how to sign my name.  I have to dwell on the blessings.  I still am legally blind; I just had my yearly 3 and half hour eye doctor visit.  He did see some improvement from a year ago.  I told him what I was doing, healthy eating, exercise, retired from teaching, and brain exercises/relearning.  People would ask me if there was improvement in vision. I was not sure if I have just learned to use the little bit of vision on my left eye by scanning to get around. 

I am dependent upon Pat to get around.  He is my Seeing Eye husband.  I follow behind him when walking. When not doing that, he pulls me out of the way of people who are running into me.  Just don’t understand why people can’t move out of my way.  I do know why.  I should be using my white cane, and may one day return to the cane if Pat is not around.  

I do thank the Lord Jesus Christ for my blessings.  I have been able to spend more time with the grandkids.  Just last week I had them for the whole week.  We did homeschooling together.  That was so much fun, and work.  I was back to doing lesson plans, then changing the lesson plans when Joselyn would say, “Grandma I want to learn about…”  I have to stop and wonder was she avoiding the subject we were learning?  Katelyn loved everything we did.  We worked on compound words, and her list was very long.  The whole week she would stop and ask if … was a compound word?  If it was a compound word, she would write it down in her notebook.  The boys and girls loved the science things that I had saved like bird nest, rocks, huge pine cones, etc.  The girls read finger plays to the boys and did the actions.  I saved them since teaching preschool many years ago for some reason.  Then Joselyn wrote her own play for the kids to do.  I got to sit with the kids and snuggle together as they read their reading novels and as I read to them.

I love that the grandchildren are homeschooled.  We can all go on RV trips in fall. We did that the past two years to visit Angie in Washington DC.  I can travel with Pat in the spring and winter.  We are planning to be in Florida for spring baseball in March.  I am not planning to attend the games; he’ll have to go alone.

There are many more blessings, such as family and friends.  Other little blessings such as: not cutting the tip off my finger yesterday while peeling potatoes.  It only bleed for 30 min.  That was not a blindness accident.  I was rushing and not paying attention.  I have learned to slow down when working in the kitchen, cleaning house, or just walking.  This may seem strange but Facebook has been a way that I keep in touch with past students.  It is great to hear about how they have matured and are keeping a job.  I can keep in touch with staff and watch their children and grandchildren grow up.  Yes, I also love the videos that make me laugh and cry.  Yes, I enjoy reading blogs. 

I have more time to learn about the Scriptures and spend time in God’s Word.  Which reminds me that two years ago when in the hospital; I could not see a Bible to read but listened to my GO BIBLE that Pat had given me that Christmas. I remember thinking he should have saved his money, I did not need a Christmas gift.  I would turn it on and listen during those sleepless fearful nights.
 

  If you are going through a struggle, stress, health issue, disability, loss of a loved one, etc. try reading or listening to the Scriptures.  When listening I would hear about verses dealing with fear.  Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  

I still fall back into that fear mode at times, but have to pray and ask help from my Lord Jesus Christ to get through the event called LIFE.

The World Hates You; and Me

I have been thinking about this subject for the past few weeks.  Ever since that Phil Robertson business started.  No I do not watch Duck Dynasty, but have listened to it a couple of times while Pat or Sean was watching it.  I won't go into this controversy.  If you have not heard about it, then you don't have the Internet or cable TV, so someone must be reading this blog to you.  Throughout this controversy I could not quit thinking about how much the world hates those who have a different belief.  The world hates those who believe and follow what the Scriptures say about how to live your life.

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.  If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own.  As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.  That is why the world hates you." John 15:18-19   This verse is one of the hallmarks of the Christian faith throughout the ages.  Many have been vilified for their convictions.  You have heard the stories of the Christians who were thrown to the lions in Rome as the spectators cried out, "Kill the atheists." The Scriptures and history tell us about  martyrs, such as the followers of Jesus Christ.  We still hear about those who are persecuted and martyred in our current days, in our country and countries around the world.

So how can we live in a world that hates us?  Holding hands and saying "peace be with you" just is not going to work.  "Above all, taking the shield of faith with which you shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one." Ephesians 6:16  To do that read the Bible.  Learn about what the Scriptures have to say. I have been using my mom's King James Bible (large print) to read and study with. The front inside cover has her signature signed in cursive.  It is very interesting when I come across a verse that she had circled or underlined.  I stop and ask myself, "Why did she like that one so much?" I also wish I could ask her, but I can not.  If I did, she would just answer, "Good," like she did in our last conversation that I had with her last week.  She was having a good day and was alert.  I want to hope that maybe one day my grand kids may want to use one of my Bibles and think the same thing.

 I am writing this blog to introduce a great help that just came out.  It is called Biblically speaking.fm.  It is about two guys B.S. in'...  Start with the first podcast called, I can Stare into a Campfire for Hours.  You can get that site from another great site called BibleStudy.net or just type in biblicallyspeaking.fm. 

What has also helped me is listening to ThruTheBible by Dr. J. Vernon McGee.  It is a five year Bible teaching program that I started listening to back in the late 70's.  Yes, I can not forget about getting together with others, as we meet and fellowship as we learn about God's Word together.

Your life and survival in this world depends upon doing one of the following things that I have suggested.  So I encourage you to start because the world hates you, and me!

Friends and family please share this blog with your friends and family.  They also need to know how to survive in a world that hates them, and you.

My journey learning about salt

So you think you know about salt.  I thought I did, but there was a lot I did not know.  I was busy working and did not watch the Doctors or the Dr.Oz show to learn about sodium, high blood pressure, and stroke. We did not have a DVR back then.  I learned about those three things the hard way.  Life calls that- consequences. Mine was a stroke that left me legally blind. I thought that I was eating healthy.  I knew all about sugar and its consequences.  We all know about those consequences when we look in the mirror, try on our summer shorts, and visit the dentist.

Early in life I was addicted to sugar.  I never had a cavity until I got married.  I could now eat all the sugar coated cereal I wanted along with sweet treats.  I also lost a tooth due to decay during the first years of marriage.  In my teen years, I wanted to get a job working in a bakery.  (Ferd’s on Vinton Street).  Not because I loved baking cakes, cookies, and pastries, but I loved to eat them. When looking back on this addiction to sweets, I was not overweight. Thank you Lord.  I was too cheap or thrifty as I call it, to spend my own money on sweets. I and my best friend and neighbor Suzanne would walk home from South High after school just to save 20 cents on bus fare, which I got from my mom that morning. While all the cool kids were stopping at McDonalds or A & W on 24^th Street, we stopped at Safeway and I spend my 20 cent bus fare to buy a package of Sno Balls.  Can’t remember what Suzanne bought or how many packages of Hostess treats you could buy with 20 cents back in the late 60’s.  Let me know if anyone remembers.  Also is there a cent sign on a keyboard?  So I don’t have to type the word cent.  

Yes, grandkids your grandma had to walk miles and miles and down small hills and flat roads in warm weather to get home from school back in the olden days.  I walked from 24^th and K to 15^th and Vinton area, not sure how many miles that was.   If you are too young to know what a Sno Ball is, it is a sweet treat of choc.cake with a cream center and pink and white marshmallow frosting with coconut sprinkles.  This is the point in which I need to take a short break from writing.  Not a potty break but an afternoon sweet snack break.  I have no sugary snacks in my house!  I just lied.  I do have two cartons of frozen yogurt, that Pat bought when he went to the store by himself.  I am trying to forget about that sweet snack.  We maybe down to only one since it’s been a week.  I did not eat any frozen yogurt. I will have a banana, an orange cutie, dried apricot, or some honey coated almonds instead.

Break over.  Back then I lived at home, and we did not have a lot of sweets around.  We may have had sweets, but by the time I got home from work or school they had been eaten by my father, brothers, or sister.  My Grandma Em baked every Saturday for us.  My job was to walk over to her house to pickup our Sat. dinner and dessert.  Yes, I ate my share plus others while visiting her and on the walk home.  Side note for my daughter Julie:  That is why I let my grandkids eat all they want or graze as you call it.  Yes, Grandma’s Restaurant is open all day and night long.  It is even open in the wee hours of the morning when I am still sleeping.  They are allowed to quietly get a yogurt from the fridge to hold them over until the sun comes up.  The two boys don’t know how to tell time yet.  They will then wake me up and tell me the sun is up and it is time to get up because they are still hungry.

Later in life, I learned to avoid sugar.  I stopped drinking pop.  I taught my students about the consequences of sugar and how much sugar was in a can of pop.  You know that lesson.  Measure out the teaspoons of sugar in a can of pop and then ask if anyone wants to eat this cup of sugar.  After teaching about sugar one day I looked over and I student was drinking something from a paper bag.  He would take a drink and then look around the room.  My curiosity got to me and I had to check.  He was a good kid, so I knew it was not alcohol. It was a can of pop or soda as Angie calls it.  He was hiding it and did not want to get in trouble for drinking pop. I did have to turn in one of my middle school students for drinking alcohol from a mouth wash container.  Middle school age students are not the brightest.  You don’t stand out in the open during passing time and drink mouth wash, it is used for rinsing.

I do relapse and eat too many sweets at holidays, special events, and the dreaded BUFFETS.   That word just sent a chill done my spine.  After a relapse, I pay the consequences.  It has happened a few times.  The last time it was at a wedding and I could not decide which cake to eat, so I had both.  Then I had another piece later in the evening.  Yes, 3 pieces in one evening, I am a sugar addict.  The road to recovery is tough. I was sick for days and had a bad case of brain fog, plus other consequences, too embarrassing to mention.  

This getting off the sugar may have postponed having a stroke at a younger age.  Most sugar loaded items are also loaded with salt.  One donut has 12 grams of sugar and 200 mg of sodium.  A very small piece of chocolate cake has 214 mg of sodium.  Those in my age group should keep our daily intake to 1,300 mg of sodium. Our bodies only need 500 mg of salt. Some of us are salt sensitive which means that your blood pressure goes up as a response to eating increased amounts of sodium.  Strokes run in my family. My dad, mother, and brother each had a stroke.  My mother had her stroke when she was living off ham and crackers.  We found a fourth of a ham in her fridge and empty boxes of crackers surrounding her bed with a floor covered in paper plates.  She was living off of ham and crackers.  No fresh fruits or vegetables in her fridge.  We just found processed foods in fridge and cupboards along with a freezer containing hot dogs and lunch meats. 

You would have thought that I had learned something from my mother.  But NO we don’t listen to our moms or the lessons that they share.  Before my stroke I was living off of popcorn, and not the low salt kind.  I was on the blood pressure meds, but they were masking what was really wrong with me.  I remember one day at lunch, I was warming up my bowl of vegetables and then reached for the salt shaker and loaded on the salt.  My school nurse said, “Rene that is a lot of salt.”  I thought to myself, at least I am eating healthy vegetables.  I had traded my sugar addiction for salt.  I was so busy with school activities, that I was not taking the time to exercise and eat healthy foods.  I would eat popcorn at school and then popcorn at night.  Pat did the cooking back then, since I got home so late.  That meant pasta, pizza, and more pasta.  I was also not dealing with the school stress in my life.  So the day of my stroke was full of stress and an unhealthy diet.

 Back to consequences:  High blood pressure leads to stroke which leads to death.  According to my doctor on a scale of 1-10 my stroke was a 10 with death being I guess an 11.  I was just trying to make a joke.  You know how often they ask about pain levels.  My neurosurgeon did not have a sense of humor.  After she left, Angie said she was rolling her eyes at me and my question of 1-10.  Don’t roll your eyes at a blind person, you never know who else is watching.

Still after the stroke I was to watch my intake of sodium.  The meds I came home with made me so sick that I did not want to eat.  I knew I needed to eat, so I forced myself to eat canned chicken soup with 910 mg of sodium in a serving and I was eating many servings.  No wonder I made another trip to the ER when my blood pressure went up into the 200’s.  I never thought to read the labels.  I have learned to read labels now.  Let’s put it this way, I try to eat non labeled foods. I tried a variety of blood pressure meds and all with many side effects.  One med had side effects of blurred vision, that one worried me the most.  Without my glasses I had lived in a world of blurred vision, but now a blind person with a little bit of vision with glasses, I can’t take the chance of developing blurry vision.  At times I do get blurry vision, but those who wear glasses know what causes that.  It is time to clean the glasses. The meds kept the blood pressure down, but then I was dizzy and light headed.   Another side effect of the drug I was on.  My doctor took me off all meds, so now I really have to watch what I eat, get exercise, and drink plenty of water.  Did you know that ham, hot dogs, corned beef, Chinese foods, processed foods, flour wraps, and pizza are loaded with salt?  When I ate these items they raised my blood pressure.  I take my blood pressure daily.  If it is higher than usual, I stop and think about what I ate.  Then I try to avoid eating it again. 

A doctor friend that I know has always said that medications will mask what is wrong with you.  I heard Dr.Oz and Dr. Travis Stork, the cute doctor on the Doctors TV show say that same thing. Taking the blood pressure meds masked what I needed to do: exercise, eat healthy, and drink water.  I need to stop now because I need to get a drink and go downstairs to exercise on my bike for an hour while I watch Dr. Oz.  I can’t watch Dr. Oz and not exercise.  I also went to the gym for an hour this morning and worked on weights and cardio.  I am just trying to stay busy and healthy.

Asking for Help

Family and friends you are probably thinking that my first blog of the New Year would be about the resolutions that I plan on making during 2014? You know the ones that everyone and their brother make: I am going to lose weight and look great, eat healthy, work out, quit smoking, drink more water, and my favorite one that I heard yesterday-no trips to the ER ...  I also could have written about the top 10 highlights from 2013.  But no, I have been thinking about the following subject.

Why is it so hard to ask for help?  I have always had that difficulty, but these past two years I have been struggling in that area.  Just this afternoon while I was broiling a rib eye steak for me and a thick cut T Bone for Pat to eat during the NE game, my oven mitt caught fire.  No chili dogs at our house for New Years Day.  As I was putting out the fire, Pat asks, "Why did you not ask for help?"  I gave him my daily answer, "I want to be INDEPENDENT!"  There is something innate in our DNA that makes the most of us to want to be independent.  Yes, I realize that a few of us, just want to live off the government and collect that check and food stamps because it is easier that being independent and working at a job.  As parents we raise our children to be independent.  We do get tired of feeding and changing them, so we teach them how to be independent.  They are fast learners. I spent my career teaching my students to be independent.  I also educated their parents to please let them be independent.  Stop making their lunches, but Mrs. McQuinn we are in a hurry in the morning, and it takes him so long.  Try problem solving; try making his lunch before bed.  Let him do his own laundry.  Parent response, "I tried that once, but his laundry came out pink." We do learn from our mistakes, so let him try again. Help them get a job, but that will affect their social security I would hear. That is ok I would say, think about this money as a scholarship to help until they get a paid job.  You are not always going to be around and you DO want them to be independent. This was when I was teaching young adults 18-21.

I refuse to be disabled.  Even though the Federal Government pays me a Social Security check each month and this started before I turned that SS age because I am legally blind.  I had planned on working to an old age and come to school with my cane, like my role model Wilma Weigel.  I would still be driving but very slowly, and having troubles parking in my 80's.  Ok, Pat I had those problems when I was in my 50's.

Since things have changed, I do need to ask for help every once in a while.  But it is so hard.  I even attended a session called Asking for Help at a conference for the blind.  That is the hardest thing for newly blind people to do.  I remember the speaker asking, "Before you were blind, when people asked you to give them a ride, did you give them a ride?"  I thought to myself, yes I did many times. I even gave one of my parents who is blind a ride home after a meeting.  She did not want me to and was going to take a taxi cab, but I kept pressing the issue.  The speaker then asked, "How did that make you feel helping others? So don't fear asking others for help."

Yes, I am slowly learning to ask for help.  I even asked a neighbor that I did not know if he could open a can of olives for me.  Pat was gone and I had worked on that darn can for 10+minutes.  I have learned to ask friends for rides to church when Pat or Julie could not take me.  Pat got mad at me for walking home from church one day because I would not ask for a ride.  It was only a few miles and I did have to cross some busy streets, walk in the road due to no sidewalks along that road, and then it started pouring rain.  It is very hard to hear traffic and see out my little spot of vision with rain spotted glasses.
We all have to learn, to ask for help when we need it.  But first try to be independent to your abilities.  If you are worried about me driving, I only do that in my dreams.  But watch out if you are on the bike path behind my house, because I at times will ride my bike there. 

I cannot forget to ask the Lord for help when I need it.   We all need help from the Lord, even if you don't realize that fact.  We seem to ask for help when we are in great times of troubles and need, like someone is dying or we are close to death ourselves.  Check out the many Bible verses about asking God for help. I am a child of God, and when I ask Him for help He will answer.  Just like when our children ask us for something.  Sure they may not like our answer.  But we have to trust in the Lord when we do not get the answer we were praying for.  Example:  Someone is ill with cancer and we pray for healing, and we think our prayers are not answered because they have died.  Maybe the Lord did not want them to suffer.  If they believed that Jesus Christ died on the cross for their sins, and He rose from the dead. They have been saved by grace through faith.  Ephesians 2:8-9 “For by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, that no one can boast.” They are asleep with the Lord until His coming. My prayer is, Lord help me to ask first for help from You when I need it and when I don't realize that I need Your help.

My list of thanks: Friends and family who have helped me when I have asked or not asked and your encouragement.  Katelyn for taking my hand and helping me cross the streets and parking lots.  Easton for your words of encouragement.  "Good job, Grandma."  After I put a 32 piece puzzle together with a little help from him.  Weston for being Weston the cute youngest.  Jocelyn for being my cooking/kitchen helper.  Thanks for helping clean up the bottle of cooking oil that I did not see on the counter and knocked over.  Julie, Sean and Angie for the endless help you have given me.  Pat for all your love, help and patience especially when I am trying to be independent.  Thank you Lord for the many blessings that you have given me, and for your help even when I don't ask.